Fear of commitment

(by Dan K. Jenkins)

Today I was writing about fear of commitment. I was trying to pull together thoughts on How to get your ex boyfriend back, and deal with his fear of commitment, but I didn't like the way it was going.

The more I thought about it, the harder it seemed. I kept thinking... if you want your ex to come back to you, and make a commitment, but he's been showing you all along that he doesn't want that, and in the end he broke up with you for that reason... then is getting your ex boyfriend back the best course of action?

I wrote this much on why your ex might not want to commit to a serious relationship with you:

1. He doesn't need to commit in order to get the things he wants. Maybe all he wants is a girl on his arm when he's out in public, to validate his manliness and uphold his reputation.
   
   Maybe all he wants is a steady source of sex. Maybe all he wants is someone to do things for him, and at the same time make him feel like he's needed.
   
   If this is all he wants, he can get it without committing to you. There are other women who will do these things. And if he was beginning to feel like commitment was the price he'd have to pay to keep you, it's understandable that the pressure prompted him to break up with you.
   


2. He needs his own space. He needs a place he can call his own, where he can be sure he won't be interrupted -- by you or anyone else uninvited.
   
   Notice how there are so many tv shows these days, about "man space" or "man caves"? Notice how, on real estate shows, guys are always trying to find a house with a room that will be theirs alone, away from the family?
   
   Good or bad, it's become accepted that men need to have a place to escape. If you and your ex shared a small living space where you were always within earshot of each other, and he never had many opportunities to be home alone, this was part of why he broke up with you.
   


3. He can't stand the idea that he'll only have one sex partner for the foreseeable future. He knows that committing to you means promising to be faithful for a long, long time. He doesn't want to commit to you and then be unfaithful -- he likes you to much to do that to you -- and so he doesn't want to commit at all.
   
   Unfortunately, time is the only sure cure for this problem. By the time men reach their mid-30s, they adjust. Having a "sure thing" becomes more important than having variety. This is why so many guys aren't able to commit until they are older.
   
   If you can maintain a high level of sexual excitement with him, you may be able to keep him from wanting other women. It's not a sure cure, but it works in some relationships so it's worth a try.
   


4. He's afraid he'll find someone better than you. Maybe he loves you plenty, but he's afraid he'll commit to you and then later meet someone he'd rather have instead -- someone more successful or talented or better looking, who would gain him more respect from his peers.
   
   This is another problem that only time will cure. As he gets older, he'll discover that all women have a lot of common, and most of them, like you, make excellent mates. All you can do is be the best woman you can be. Do this for yourself, not for him.
   


5. He needs his independence. He needs time away from you. If you were together from the time you got off work until morning, and all day on weekends, he couldn't handle that. And if, whenever you were apart, you let him know you wished you were together, this would have frightened him.
   
   This is the opposite of needing his own space for hibernation. Needing independence means he needs to be out and about, doing whatever he wants.
   
   If you and your ex went everywhere together, and he didn't have many opportunities to go out without you, this was a factor in your breakup.

None of that is really what you'd call advice. I'll throw it out here in case it help somebody someday, but the only true "advice" I have is this:

If your ex boyfriend broke up with you because you pressured him too hard to commit, then in order to get him back you're going to have to give up on the commitment requirement.

You'll need to get him back by convincing him you don't want commitment any more. Keep in mind the points listed above, as you do this. Convince him he can keep his independence, for example.

After you get your ex boyfriend back, be patient -- maybe for a long time. Then, without being too clingy, bring up the subject of a permanent relationship again.