Learn how to get your ex back.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Ex back? What next?
There's a new article on the main site called Ex Back? What Next?, on the topic of what you should do differently when you resume a relationship after you get your ex back.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
How do I get my ex back after I cheated?
The way I think of it, there are two flavors of cheating. Maybe you cheated briefly in a one night stand, or just slept with someone not important to you a few times.
Or, maybe you had a longer lasting affair with someone you cared about and connected with emotionally.
Either way, here are 3 things you should do to get your ex back, if your ex broke up with you because of your infidelity...
For more answers to "How do I get my ex back after I cheated?" click here now: How do I get my ex back
Or, maybe you had a longer lasting affair with someone you cared about and connected with emotionally.
Either way, here are 3 things you should do to get your ex back, if your ex broke up with you because of your infidelity...
- Cease all contact with the person you cheated with. If you really want to get back together with your ex, you have to accept that you can't see your other lover any more. If you're not willing to do that, don't bother trying.
- Apologize to your ex, in writing. Make it something like this letter of apology to an ex lover.
- Create a one month plan for building trust. During that month, make 5 promises to your ex, and keep them. You have to actually communicate each promise to your ex, before you live up to it. I mean, don't just do 5 nice things. Actually tell your ex you're going to, for example, take the car for a tune-up. And then do it. No excuses, just do it.
For more answers to "How do I get my ex back after I cheated?" click here now: How do I get my ex back
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Praying to get your ex back
At the main site, there's an article on how to get back an ex with the power of prayer.
A lot of searchers come to the site looking for actual prayers to recite, and I think they're not satisfied with what they're finding. The article I'm featuring tells you what to pray for, but doesn't give you the words to use.
So now, to complement the existing discussion of praying to get back together, I've added a page of sample prayers to get an ex back, to be used in conjunction with the Magic of Making Up system.
I hope now that searchers who come to the site looking for actual prayers for getting back an ex will find what they're looking for.
A lot of searchers come to the site looking for actual prayers to recite, and I think they're not satisfied with what they're finding. The article I'm featuring tells you what to pray for, but doesn't give you the words to use.
So now, to complement the existing discussion of praying to get back together, I've added a page of sample prayers to get an ex back, to be used in conjunction with the Magic of Making Up system.
I hope now that searchers who come to the site looking for actual prayers for getting back an ex will find what they're looking for.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Fear of commitment
(by Dan K. Jenkins)
Today I was writing about fear of commitment. I was trying to pull together thoughts on How to get your ex boyfriend back, and deal with his fear of commitment, but I didn't like the way it was going.
The more I thought about it, the harder it seemed. I kept thinking... if you want your ex to come back to you, and make a commitment, but he's been showing you all along that he doesn't want that, and in the end he broke up with you for that reason... then is getting your ex boyfriend back the best course of action?
I wrote this much on why your ex might not want to commit to a serious relationship with you:
None of that is really what you'd call advice. I'll throw it out here in case it help somebody someday, but the only true "advice" I have is this:
If your ex boyfriend broke up with you because you pressured him too hard to commit, then in order to get him back you're going to have to give up on the commitment requirement.
You'll need to get him back by convincing him you don't want commitment any more. Keep in mind the points listed above, as you do this. Convince him he can keep his independence, for example.
After you get your ex boyfriend back, be patient -- maybe for a long time. Then, without being too clingy, bring up the subject of a permanent relationship again.
Today I was writing about fear of commitment. I was trying to pull together thoughts on How to get your ex boyfriend back, and deal with his fear of commitment, but I didn't like the way it was going.
The more I thought about it, the harder it seemed. I kept thinking... if you want your ex to come back to you, and make a commitment, but he's been showing you all along that he doesn't want that, and in the end he broke up with you for that reason... then is getting your ex boyfriend back the best course of action?
I wrote this much on why your ex might not want to commit to a serious relationship with you:
- He doesn't need to commit in order to get the things he wants. Maybe all he wants is a girl on his arm when he's out in public, to validate his manliness and uphold his reputation.
Maybe all he wants is a steady source of sex. Maybe all he wants is someone to do things for him, and at the same time make him feel like he's needed.
If this is all he wants, he can get it without committing to you. There are other women who will do these things. And if he was beginning to feel like commitment was the price he'd have to pay to keep you, it's understandable that the pressure prompted him to break up with you. - He needs his own space. He needs a place he can call his own, where he can be sure he won't be interrupted -- by you or anyone else uninvited.
Notice how there are so many tv shows these days, about "man space" or "man caves"? Notice how, on real estate shows, guys are always trying to find a house with a room that will be theirs alone, away from the family?
Good or bad, it's become accepted that men need to have a place to escape. If you and your ex shared a small living space where you were always within earshot of each other, and he never had many opportunities to be home alone, this was part of why he broke up with you. - He can't stand the idea that he'll only have one sex partner for the foreseeable future. He knows that committing to you means promising to be faithful for a long, long time. He doesn't want to commit to you and then be unfaithful -- he likes you to much to do that to you -- and so he doesn't want to commit at all.
Unfortunately, time is the only sure cure for this problem. By the time men reach their mid-30s, they adjust. Having a "sure thing" becomes more important than having variety. This is why so many guys aren't able to commit until they are older.
If you can maintain a high level of sexual excitement with him, you may be able to keep him from wanting other women. It's not a sure cure, but it works in some relationships so it's worth a try. - He's afraid he'll find someone better than you. Maybe he loves you plenty, but he's afraid he'll commit to you and then later meet someone he'd rather have instead -- someone more successful or talented or better looking, who would gain him more respect from his peers.
This is another problem that only time will cure. As he gets older, he'll discover that all women have a lot of common, and most of them, like you, make excellent mates. All you can do is be the best woman you can be. Do this for yourself, not for him. - He needs his independence. He needs time away from you. If you were together from the time you got off work until morning, and all day on weekends, he couldn't handle that. And if, whenever you were apart, you let him know you wished you were together, this would have frightened him.
This is the opposite of needing his own space for hibernation. Needing independence means he needs to be out and about, doing whatever he wants.
If you and your ex went everywhere together, and he didn't have many opportunities to go out without you, this was a factor in your breakup.
None of that is really what you'd call advice. I'll throw it out here in case it help somebody someday, but the only true "advice" I have is this:
If your ex boyfriend broke up with you because you pressured him too hard to commit, then in order to get him back you're going to have to give up on the commitment requirement.
You'll need to get him back by convincing him you don't want commitment any more. Keep in mind the points listed above, as you do this. Convince him he can keep his independence, for example.
After you get your ex boyfriend back, be patient -- maybe for a long time. Then, without being too clingy, bring up the subject of a permanent relationship again.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Reasons for breaking up
I've begun doing some online research on the reasons why couples break up. Mostly I'm interested in whether certain techniques for getting back together work best for particular break-up reasons.
For example, what if make-up sex is the best way to get your ex back, if you were dumped because you cheated? I'm not saying that's the case; I'm just wondering if something like that is true.
To be honest, that's a really bad example. Having an affair would require a pretty detailed plan for getting back together -- certainly not something simplistic like make-up sex, or making your ex jealous, or reverse psychology.
But I could totally believe that make-up sex is a good technique to try, if you got dumped after a big fight. I'd buy that.
I'll see where my research leads. The great thing about the internet, with all its blogs and forums with real people talking about real life, is that if you study it well enough you can find patterns for success and failure. No matter what problem you're trying to solve.
For example, what if make-up sex is the best way to get your ex back, if you were dumped because you cheated? I'm not saying that's the case; I'm just wondering if something like that is true.
To be honest, that's a really bad example. Having an affair would require a pretty detailed plan for getting back together -- certainly not something simplistic like make-up sex, or making your ex jealous, or reverse psychology.
But I could totally believe that make-up sex is a good technique to try, if you got dumped after a big fight. I'd buy that.
I'll see where my research leads. The great thing about the internet, with all its blogs and forums with real people talking about real life, is that if you study it well enough you can find patterns for success and failure. No matter what problem you're trying to solve.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Apology letter to ex after a breakup
I wish there were more sample letters like this out there. It's hard to figure out what you want to say to your ex, especially when you want to get back together.
Even harder, if you've been a little out of control -- like if you've been texting too often, or calling or driving by. You need to put a stop to all of that, and go NC (no contact) for a while until you're thinking straight again.
And you certainly need to apologize to your ex.
Even if you don't have anything to apologize for (and, well, are you sure about that?) a letter similar to this is still a good idea, to show that you're on board with breaking up. You won't get your ex back if you resist accepting the fact that you got dumped, no matter how unfair it seems.
But... to have to compose a letter when your head's a mess isn't easy. I think this example letter to an ex would be good for most breakup circumstances. You might have to change some parts, but it's a good start.
-- Kit.
By Dan K. Jenkins
When you look for advice on the internet about how to get your ex back, you discover that step one is to write a letter.
And you learn that it has to be a handwritten letter -- not typed, and not an email.
The purpose of the letter is to let your ex know you're sorry for whatever you did, and that you agree that breaking up is a good idea. This letter sets the stage for everything you'll be doing afterwards, to try to get back together.
Why apologize in writing?
A hand-written letter, sent in a hand-addressed envelope, is the most personal form of delayed communication you can use.
Spoken communication, in person or over the phone, is too immediate. With immediate communication, some response is required -- but your ex might feel threatened, or feel like there's not enough time to think of the right response.
Text messages and email are too casual. Even a typed or printed letter feels distant, compared to the intimacy of a handwritten letter you took the time to pen yourself. Your letter to your ex absolutely must be written by hand, and written on paper, not on a card. A card is, once again, too casual.
When to apologize?
Send your letter as soon as possible, but be sure to wait until after you have thought about your situation, and think you understand what your ex is feeling.
While you compose your letter, you should feel regret, not anger. If you are still angry, then it is too soon to write a letter of apology. It is too soon to say you agree with the breakup.
You need to be certain about what you are apologizing FOR. For example:
Even if it was an accident, you should apologize. Even if it felt justified at the time, you should apologize. Even if you know that in the same circumstances, you would do the same thing again -- you still ought to apologize.
What should you say in your letter?
Your letter of apology to your lover needs to communicate two things: That you are sorry for whatever you did that caused your breakup, and that you agree that breaking up is a good idea.
Don't spend too much time explaining why you did what you did. It won't help, especially if it was a repeat occurrence, or if you did it on purpose.
Don't be funny, and don't be crude or obscene.
Don't ask for an acknowledgement -- no, "Let me know if you got this" or anything like that. You should be prepared not to hear back.
Example apology letter
Here is a sample letter to an ex girlfriend...
Dear Amy,
I have been thinking a lot about how I hurt you, and I want to say I'm sorry. I understand why you don't want to be with me any more. I agree it is a good idea.
Being away from you is hard on me, but I guess that after time goes by I won't miss you so much. I hope, anyway, because I would hate to feel like this forever.
I know it was the last straw. I know you think you can't trust me any more, after what I did. But please believe my apology. You mean more to me than anyone else does. You are the one I love.
Maybe after you have had some time away from me, you will want to talk to me again. If you ever need me, I will be there for you.
Love,
Kevin
Learn more about getting back together with your ex. Visit The Online Guide to Getting Back Together and find advice from experts on how to get your ex to come back to you.
This online guide will also lead you to professionally-written books with step-by-step instructions for getting back together with an ex.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dan_K._Jenkins
http://EzineArticles.com/?Letter-of-Apology-to-an-Ex-Lover---What-to-Say-and-How-to-Say-It&id=2173025
Even harder, if you've been a little out of control -- like if you've been texting too often, or calling or driving by. You need to put a stop to all of that, and go NC (no contact) for a while until you're thinking straight again.
And you certainly need to apologize to your ex.
Even if you don't have anything to apologize for (and, well, are you sure about that?) a letter similar to this is still a good idea, to show that you're on board with breaking up. You won't get your ex back if you resist accepting the fact that you got dumped, no matter how unfair it seems.
But... to have to compose a letter when your head's a mess isn't easy. I think this example letter to an ex would be good for most breakup circumstances. You might have to change some parts, but it's a good start.
-- Kit.
Letter of Apology to an Ex Lover - What to Say and How to Say It
By Dan K. Jenkins
When you look for advice on the internet about how to get your ex back, you discover that step one is to write a letter.
And you learn that it has to be a handwritten letter -- not typed, and not an email.
The purpose of the letter is to let your ex know you're sorry for whatever you did, and that you agree that breaking up is a good idea. This letter sets the stage for everything you'll be doing afterwards, to try to get back together.
Why apologize in writing?
A hand-written letter, sent in a hand-addressed envelope, is the most personal form of delayed communication you can use.
Spoken communication, in person or over the phone, is too immediate. With immediate communication, some response is required -- but your ex might feel threatened, or feel like there's not enough time to think of the right response.
Text messages and email are too casual. Even a typed or printed letter feels distant, compared to the intimacy of a handwritten letter you took the time to pen yourself. Your letter to your ex absolutely must be written by hand, and written on paper, not on a card. A card is, once again, too casual.
When to apologize?
Send your letter as soon as possible, but be sure to wait until after you have thought about your situation, and think you understand what your ex is feeling.
While you compose your letter, you should feel regret, not anger. If you are still angry, then it is too soon to write a letter of apology. It is too soon to say you agree with the breakup.
You need to be certain about what you are apologizing FOR. For example:
- Did you hurt someone's feelings?
- Is someone angry at you?
- Is someone afraid of you?
- Are you ashamed of something you said or did?
- Did you lie, steal, or cheat?
- Did you forget something important?
Even if it was an accident, you should apologize. Even if it felt justified at the time, you should apologize. Even if you know that in the same circumstances, you would do the same thing again -- you still ought to apologize.
What should you say in your letter?
Your letter of apology to your lover needs to communicate two things: That you are sorry for whatever you did that caused your breakup, and that you agree that breaking up is a good idea.
Don't spend too much time explaining why you did what you did. It won't help, especially if it was a repeat occurrence, or if you did it on purpose.
Don't be funny, and don't be crude or obscene.
Don't ask for an acknowledgement -- no, "Let me know if you got this" or anything like that. You should be prepared not to hear back.
Example apology letter
Here is a sample letter to an ex girlfriend...
Dear Amy,
I have been thinking a lot about how I hurt you, and I want to say I'm sorry. I understand why you don't want to be with me any more. I agree it is a good idea.
Being away from you is hard on me, but I guess that after time goes by I won't miss you so much. I hope, anyway, because I would hate to feel like this forever.
I know it was the last straw. I know you think you can't trust me any more, after what I did. But please believe my apology. You mean more to me than anyone else does. You are the one I love.
Maybe after you have had some time away from me, you will want to talk to me again. If you ever need me, I will be there for you.
Love,
Kevin
Learn more about getting back together with your ex. Visit The Online Guide to Getting Back Together and find advice from experts on how to get your ex to come back to you.
This online guide will also lead you to professionally-written books with step-by-step instructions for getting back together with an ex.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dan_K._Jenkins
http://EzineArticles.com/?Letter-of-Apology-to-an-Ex-Lover---What-to-Say-and-How-to-Say-It&id=2173025
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Need to fix procrastination problems before getting back together
I have to say, I recognize a bit of my own relationship in the one described below. Me -- the procrastinator. Except, anger aimed at me doesn't bother me too much. I can ignore it.
Still, the scenario below struck me as one that could become the reason why a couple breaks up. I can imagine "Paul" leaving because he can't deal with her anger, or "Andrea" leaving because she's tired of Paul letting her down.
And the author makes a great point -- if they don't figure out how to deal with these traits in themselves, they're just going to shift their problems onto their next relationships.
They might as well learn to understand their problem, and solve it, and stay together.
So, what's relevant here for someone trying to get an ex back? Well, if you and your ex broke up for a reason similar to this, then this article will get you thinking about how to solve the problem, so you can get back together.
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.d.
"I'm so sick and tired of Andrea's anger and bossiness that I'm about ready to leave this relationship," said Paul in our phone counseling session. "Everything has to be her way. Why can't she just keep her mouth shut? She is ruining this relationship. I hate her judgmentally. Every time she does this it casts a black cloud over our relationship and I end up feeling awful."
Paul and Andrea were in one of their typical power struggles. Paul tended to operate as an adolescent regarding household chores. If something needed to be done, he would say he would do it and then procrastinate to the point where Andrea would blow up. Then he would blame Andrea for her anger rather than take any responsibility for his resistance.
"Paul, how did you react when Andrea got angry and judgmental?"
"I got angry and tried to explain to her why I hadn't fixed the curtain rod yet. But she wouldn't listen to me so then I withdrew."
"So Andrea is trying to control you with her anger and you are trying to control her with your explanations and withdrawal. And you are very determined to resist being controlled by her. So, do you want to complain to me about Andrea and blame your feelings on her anger, or do you want to understand your end of this system and learn about what you can do differently?"
"I just want her to stop being angry."
"Paul, you have been trying to have control over Andrea's anger for the whole five years of your relationship. Is it working?"
"No. But why can't she just stop?"
"Well, why can't you just stop resisting and become responsible in the household and responsible for your own feelings instead of being a victim of Andrea?"
"Oh. I see what you mean. She must be as unconscious of what she is doing as I am of what I am doing."
"Right. The two of you learned very early in life to try to control and resist being controlled, and these old patterns are governing your relationship. But what is the point of leaving? You will each take your patterns with you and you will each end up in similar relationships, as you have in the past. So why not recognize that you are not a victim and address your issues?"
"Okay. So what do you see as my issues?"
"I see two major issues. I know that household things, such as the broken curtain rod, don't bother you, but they do bother Andrea. You put her in a bind, because when she says she will hire someone to fix the things that need fixing, you get upset and tell her you will do it and then you don't. So one major issue is that it is more important to you to resist being controlled than to be a caring person to yourself and to her. I am not excusing Andrea's anger and judgmentally - that is her end of the system. But you have not accepted that you have no control over her anger. This is the other major issue for you - your lack of acceptance over your lack of control over her. She tries to control you and you resist while trying to control her.
"If you really want things to change, then the only control you have is over changing you, not over her changing. When you are ready to make caring about yourself and her more important than resisting, then things may change."
This is a huge challenge for a person who has been in resistance his whole life. Once Paul stops blaming Andrea, then he can do the deep work of healing his resistance.
About the Author:Margaret Paul, Ph.D. best-selling author of eight books, and co- creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
Article Source: ArticlesBase.com - Control And Resistance - The Relationship Gremlins
Still, the scenario below struck me as one that could become the reason why a couple breaks up. I can imagine "Paul" leaving because he can't deal with her anger, or "Andrea" leaving because she's tired of Paul letting her down.
And the author makes a great point -- if they don't figure out how to deal with these traits in themselves, they're just going to shift their problems onto their next relationships.
They might as well learn to understand their problem, and solve it, and stay together.
So, what's relevant here for someone trying to get an ex back? Well, if you and your ex broke up for a reason similar to this, then this article will get you thinking about how to solve the problem, so you can get back together.
Control And Resistance - The Relationship Gremlins
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.d.
"I'm so sick and tired of Andrea's anger and bossiness that I'm about ready to leave this relationship," said Paul in our phone counseling session. "Everything has to be her way. Why can't she just keep her mouth shut? She is ruining this relationship. I hate her judgmentally. Every time she does this it casts a black cloud over our relationship and I end up feeling awful."
Paul and Andrea were in one of their typical power struggles. Paul tended to operate as an adolescent regarding household chores. If something needed to be done, he would say he would do it and then procrastinate to the point where Andrea would blow up. Then he would blame Andrea for her anger rather than take any responsibility for his resistance.
"Paul, how did you react when Andrea got angry and judgmental?"
"I got angry and tried to explain to her why I hadn't fixed the curtain rod yet. But she wouldn't listen to me so then I withdrew."
"So Andrea is trying to control you with her anger and you are trying to control her with your explanations and withdrawal. And you are very determined to resist being controlled by her. So, do you want to complain to me about Andrea and blame your feelings on her anger, or do you want to understand your end of this system and learn about what you can do differently?"
"I just want her to stop being angry."
"Paul, you have been trying to have control over Andrea's anger for the whole five years of your relationship. Is it working?"
"No. But why can't she just stop?"
"Well, why can't you just stop resisting and become responsible in the household and responsible for your own feelings instead of being a victim of Andrea?"
"Oh. I see what you mean. She must be as unconscious of what she is doing as I am of what I am doing."
"Right. The two of you learned very early in life to try to control and resist being controlled, and these old patterns are governing your relationship. But what is the point of leaving? You will each take your patterns with you and you will each end up in similar relationships, as you have in the past. So why not recognize that you are not a victim and address your issues?"
"Okay. So what do you see as my issues?"
"I see two major issues. I know that household things, such as the broken curtain rod, don't bother you, but they do bother Andrea. You put her in a bind, because when she says she will hire someone to fix the things that need fixing, you get upset and tell her you will do it and then you don't. So one major issue is that it is more important to you to resist being controlled than to be a caring person to yourself and to her. I am not excusing Andrea's anger and judgmentally - that is her end of the system. But you have not accepted that you have no control over her anger. This is the other major issue for you - your lack of acceptance over your lack of control over her. She tries to control you and you resist while trying to control her.
"If you really want things to change, then the only control you have is over changing you, not over her changing. When you are ready to make caring about yourself and her more important than resisting, then things may change."
This is a huge challenge for a person who has been in resistance his whole life. Once Paul stops blaming Andrea, then he can do the deep work of healing his resistance.
About the Author:Margaret Paul, Ph.D. best-selling author of eight books, and co- creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
Article Source: ArticlesBase.com - Control And Resistance - The Relationship Gremlins
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Series: Communicating with your ex -- Part 3
The third part in this 3-part series pertains to email communication.
Again, although it addresses divorced parents, the wisdom within applies to anyone in danger of sending an overly-emotional email to an ex.
If you're wanting to get your ex back, you need to be careful how you communicate by email. You want to send an agreeable message, not a confrontational one. -- Kit.
By Mary Wollard
More and more, communication between divorced parents occurs by email. This can be an effective way to reduce conflict between parents. If you commit one or more of these three common email mistakes, however, you might create or heighten conflict. What are these common email communication mistakes, and how you can fix them to reduce conflict with the other parent?
Mistake #1 - USING TOO MANY CAPS
One of the first guidelines of email etiquette is not to type words in all capital letters, because that is akin to shouting. When I first heard that, I didn't really believe it. That was until email became part of my all-day, every-day life, and then I received a message that was written mostly in caps.
It just set me on edge, like fingernails on a blackboard (do people even remember that sound anymore?). After that I started paying closer attention to emails, not just to me, but between my clients.
I found that the use of caps in emails between high-conflict parents triggers anger reactions. The caps don't add anything of substance to the communication and cause the communications to quickly deteriorate. Once the anger kicks in, effective communication really becomes impossible.
If you find yourself moved to use caps in your email, ask yourself what you are trying to achieve. Then, find some other way to communicate that.
Mistake #2 - Sarcasm and humor
When we talk to someone, our words are only a part of the communication. We use hand gestures; raise an eyebrow; make our voice higher or lower, louder or softer; laugh; smile; or frown. All of these things convey our true meaning to the person we're talking to.
When you write an email, all of these nuances are gone and you are left only with the raw words of your message. In your own mind, you are often adding all of those hand gestures, facial expressions and intonations. The problem is that the person reading your email can't see into your mind. Sarcasm and humor are both highly dependent on extraneous visual and auditory cues. Since these aren't available in writing, your attempts at sarcasm and humor in email will likely fail or be misconstrued.
Those cute little emoticons (the smiling, laughing, winking, or sad faces) people add to their email weren't just created by people with way too much time on their hands. They are an effort to show the spirit of the words in the email so the receiver can better understand what's being said. Without something like that, the receiver has no way of knowing your intentions.
If your relationship with the other parent is stressed and full of conflict, your best practice is to leave attempts at sarcasm and humor out of your email.
Mistake #3 - Sending too soon
During a heated exchange, you may type something you would never want someone else to see. When you communicate by email, you are putting your angry thoughts into writing and you make it possible for anyone - including your children - to witness that anger long after you've cooled down.
A good rule of thumb is to pause before you send any message that you feel emotionally charged about. Stand up and walk away from the computer for a few minutes or even a few hours. When you come back, make sure that the message you're sending is something you are ok with being in print.
I can't stress enough the powerful effect communication has on the level of conflict in your relationship with the other parent. Creating healthy new patterns of communication can break the destructive cycle of conflict and allow both parents to focus on building good relationships with their children.
© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC
Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. In addition to helping families through mediation and arbitration, Ms. Wollard provides parenting coordination and decision-making services to families when on-going conflict prevents them from fully implementing their parenting plan after divorce. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your family's transition.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Wollard
http://EzineArticles.com/?Three-Email-Communication-Mistakes-That-Will-Inflame-Conflict-Between-Divorced-Couples&id=2085050
Again, although it addresses divorced parents, the wisdom within applies to anyone in danger of sending an overly-emotional email to an ex.
If you're wanting to get your ex back, you need to be careful how you communicate by email. You want to send an agreeable message, not a confrontational one. -- Kit.
Three Email Communication Mistakes That Will Inflame Conflict Between Divorced Couples
By Mary Wollard
More and more, communication between divorced parents occurs by email. This can be an effective way to reduce conflict between parents. If you commit one or more of these three common email mistakes, however, you might create or heighten conflict. What are these common email communication mistakes, and how you can fix them to reduce conflict with the other parent?
Mistake #1 - USING TOO MANY CAPS
One of the first guidelines of email etiquette is not to type words in all capital letters, because that is akin to shouting. When I first heard that, I didn't really believe it. That was until email became part of my all-day, every-day life, and then I received a message that was written mostly in caps.
It just set me on edge, like fingernails on a blackboard (do people even remember that sound anymore?). After that I started paying closer attention to emails, not just to me, but between my clients.
I found that the use of caps in emails between high-conflict parents triggers anger reactions. The caps don't add anything of substance to the communication and cause the communications to quickly deteriorate. Once the anger kicks in, effective communication really becomes impossible.
If you find yourself moved to use caps in your email, ask yourself what you are trying to achieve. Then, find some other way to communicate that.
Mistake #2 - Sarcasm and humor
When we talk to someone, our words are only a part of the communication. We use hand gestures; raise an eyebrow; make our voice higher or lower, louder or softer; laugh; smile; or frown. All of these things convey our true meaning to the person we're talking to.
When you write an email, all of these nuances are gone and you are left only with the raw words of your message. In your own mind, you are often adding all of those hand gestures, facial expressions and intonations. The problem is that the person reading your email can't see into your mind. Sarcasm and humor are both highly dependent on extraneous visual and auditory cues. Since these aren't available in writing, your attempts at sarcasm and humor in email will likely fail or be misconstrued.
Those cute little emoticons (the smiling, laughing, winking, or sad faces) people add to their email weren't just created by people with way too much time on their hands. They are an effort to show the spirit of the words in the email so the receiver can better understand what's being said. Without something like that, the receiver has no way of knowing your intentions.
If your relationship with the other parent is stressed and full of conflict, your best practice is to leave attempts at sarcasm and humor out of your email.
Mistake #3 - Sending too soon
During a heated exchange, you may type something you would never want someone else to see. When you communicate by email, you are putting your angry thoughts into writing and you make it possible for anyone - including your children - to witness that anger long after you've cooled down.
A good rule of thumb is to pause before you send any message that you feel emotionally charged about. Stand up and walk away from the computer for a few minutes or even a few hours. When you come back, make sure that the message you're sending is something you are ok with being in print.
I can't stress enough the powerful effect communication has on the level of conflict in your relationship with the other parent. Creating healthy new patterns of communication can break the destructive cycle of conflict and allow both parents to focus on building good relationships with their children.
© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC
Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. In addition to helping families through mediation and arbitration, Ms. Wollard provides parenting coordination and decision-making services to families when on-going conflict prevents them from fully implementing their parenting plan after divorce. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your family's transition.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Wollard
http://EzineArticles.com/?Three-Email-Communication-Mistakes-That-Will-Inflame-Conflict-Between-Divorced-Couples&id=2085050
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Can you get your ex girlfriend back if you abused her?
Recently I was doing some research to see if I could find any advice, anywhere, on what a guy could do to get back together with his ex girlfriend if he had been abusive while they were together.
I didn't expect to find much, but I was surprised to find nothing at all. I guess there are unforgivable sins.
I read texts written by professionals, and forum posts written by women seeking help, or men seeking sympathy. And I read many, many blogs maintained by victims of past abuse.
The consensus, among everyone except the male abusers, was that men don't change. Abusers don't heal, and a problem relationship with an abuser is not a "solvable" problem.
The only contrary opinions were offered by a few apologetic men, who after years of therapy felt that they had overcome their old natures, and wanted advice on how to get their ex back. Yet no one, not even other men who were sympathetic, had any advice to give.
I would be interested to know if any past abuser ever tried the techniques in this system to get your ex back and met with any success.
I didn't expect to find much, but I was surprised to find nothing at all. I guess there are unforgivable sins.
I read texts written by professionals, and forum posts written by women seeking help, or men seeking sympathy. And I read many, many blogs maintained by victims of past abuse.
The consensus, among everyone except the male abusers, was that men don't change. Abusers don't heal, and a problem relationship with an abuser is not a "solvable" problem.
The only contrary opinions were offered by a few apologetic men, who after years of therapy felt that they had overcome their old natures, and wanted advice on how to get their ex back. Yet no one, not even other men who were sympathetic, had any advice to give.
I would be interested to know if any past abuser ever tried the techniques in this system to get your ex back and met with any success.
Series: Communicating with your ex -- Part 2
This is the second article in a 3-part series on communicating with an ex.
It is targeted toward broken relationships where children are in the picture, but I think the advice applies to anyone who ends up communicating with an ex, for whatever reason -- including someone who wants to get an ex back.
After a breakup, when emotions are high and every past argument feels like it happened only yesterday, it's easy to find yourself using hurtful words when you talk to your ex. You yell, you accuse, you insult. You say things you don't mean to say, because the way you see it, you were hurt first.
But it doesn't have to be that way. If you think first, and plan ahead for what NOT to say, you can communicate successfully with your ex.
And if you're trying to get your ex back, good communication is essential. -- Kit
By Mary Wollard
There are words and phrases that are so provocative that they are bound to elicit a sharp response from the target. In fact, they're usually intended to. When you describe someone with labels such as "liar," "selfish," "abusive," "evil" and "uncaring," these are "fighting words."
If you're peppering your communication with these kinds of words when you speak with your ex or soon-to-be-ex, it's time to stop. Even when you do have a valid point to make, these words will not help you make it.
Let's look at an example of communication using these fighting words:
Parent A: "Sally is scared to go to your house because you make her go to bed without a nightlight. This is just another example of how abusive you are and how you don't care about your child at all."
Parent B: "You are such a liar. Sally loves to come over here, but she's afraid to let you know it. When will you stop trying to turn Sally against me and accept that she loves me? If you weren't so selfish, maybe Sally wouldn't have to lie to you about her time here."
This conversation between Parent A and Parent B will likely go on for some time, getting louder and more hostile. No matter which parent Sally is with at the time of the conversation, she will get an earful, even if the parents think she's asleep or in another room at the time. The conversation will not accomplish anything other than to frighten and upset Sally.
When you are tempted to use fighting words, stop to think what the issue really is. In the example above, Parent A is concerned about the lack of a nightlight at the other house. Rather than send the message above, Parent A might have said, "I just wanted to let you know that Sally has gotten used to sleeping with a nightlight on. I'm guessing she'll give it up at some point, but for now, she's really more comfortable with one on at night. Having a nightlight at both houses will probably help make the transition between houses easier for her."
Parent B, on the other hand, feels accused of being a bad parent and wants to fight off claims of being abusive or selfish. Instead of reacting to the words Parent A used, Parent B could have responded to the concern. Here is a response that would have been more helpful: "Thank you for your email, I will talk to Sally about the nightlight when she's here next. I didn't realize it was so important to her."
Remember, Mum's the word when it comes to fighting words. Don't use them and By addressing the underlying issue without using provocative language, divorcing parents can reduce the conflict between them and focus on positive parenting for their children.
© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC
Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. In addition to helping families through mediation and arbitration, Ms. Wollard provides parenting coordination and decision-making services to families when on-going conflict prevents them from fully implementing their parenting plan after divorce. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your family's transition.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Wollard
http://EzineArticles.com/?Minimize-Conflict-During-Divorce-by-Eliminating-Fighting-Words-in-Your-Communications&id=2055520
Series continues with Part 3.
It is targeted toward broken relationships where children are in the picture, but I think the advice applies to anyone who ends up communicating with an ex, for whatever reason -- including someone who wants to get an ex back.
After a breakup, when emotions are high and every past argument feels like it happened only yesterday, it's easy to find yourself using hurtful words when you talk to your ex. You yell, you accuse, you insult. You say things you don't mean to say, because the way you see it, you were hurt first.
But it doesn't have to be that way. If you think first, and plan ahead for what NOT to say, you can communicate successfully with your ex.
And if you're trying to get your ex back, good communication is essential. -- Kit
Minimize Conflict During Divorce by Eliminating "Fighting Words" in Your Communications
By Mary Wollard
There are words and phrases that are so provocative that they are bound to elicit a sharp response from the target. In fact, they're usually intended to. When you describe someone with labels such as "liar," "selfish," "abusive," "evil" and "uncaring," these are "fighting words."
If you're peppering your communication with these kinds of words when you speak with your ex or soon-to-be-ex, it's time to stop. Even when you do have a valid point to make, these words will not help you make it.
Let's look at an example of communication using these fighting words:
Parent A: "Sally is scared to go to your house because you make her go to bed without a nightlight. This is just another example of how abusive you are and how you don't care about your child at all."
Parent B: "You are such a liar. Sally loves to come over here, but she's afraid to let you know it. When will you stop trying to turn Sally against me and accept that she loves me? If you weren't so selfish, maybe Sally wouldn't have to lie to you about her time here."
This conversation between Parent A and Parent B will likely go on for some time, getting louder and more hostile. No matter which parent Sally is with at the time of the conversation, she will get an earful, even if the parents think she's asleep or in another room at the time. The conversation will not accomplish anything other than to frighten and upset Sally.
When you are tempted to use fighting words, stop to think what the issue really is. In the example above, Parent A is concerned about the lack of a nightlight at the other house. Rather than send the message above, Parent A might have said, "I just wanted to let you know that Sally has gotten used to sleeping with a nightlight on. I'm guessing she'll give it up at some point, but for now, she's really more comfortable with one on at night. Having a nightlight at both houses will probably help make the transition between houses easier for her."
Parent B, on the other hand, feels accused of being a bad parent and wants to fight off claims of being abusive or selfish. Instead of reacting to the words Parent A used, Parent B could have responded to the concern. Here is a response that would have been more helpful: "Thank you for your email, I will talk to Sally about the nightlight when she's here next. I didn't realize it was so important to her."
Remember, Mum's the word when it comes to fighting words. Don't use them and By addressing the underlying issue without using provocative language, divorcing parents can reduce the conflict between them and focus on positive parenting for their children.
© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC
Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. In addition to helping families through mediation and arbitration, Ms. Wollard provides parenting coordination and decision-making services to families when on-going conflict prevents them from fully implementing their parenting plan after divorce. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your family's transition.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Wollard
http://EzineArticles.com/?Minimize-Conflict-During-Divorce-by-Eliminating-Fighting-Words-in-Your-Communications&id=2055520
Series continues with Part 3.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Get an ex back using reverse psychology
I was reviewing statistics for the main site today, and was surprised to find that the most popular article is How can I use reverse psychology to get my girlfriend back?
I never would have expected that, and it makes me wonder whether it would still be true if the title referred to getting an ex boyfriend back.
I mean, is it a "guy" thing? Do guys want to psych their girlfriends out, more than women do?
I guess I could find out by publishing an article called "How can I use reverse psychology to get my boyfriend back?" -- but it wouldn't add much value to the site. The information in the article that's already there applies to boyfriends just as much as it applies to girlfriends.
And the searches that drive readers to the article aren't always about getting back an ex.
Sometimes it's "My girlfriend uses reverse psychology on me and I don't want her to."
Sometimes it's about using reverse psychology on women, in general. Like, how to use reverse psychology to get a girl, or on a wife.
It bothers me some, that there are so many queries amounting to "how can I trick her into doing what I want." I wish people understood that trickery doesn't build healthy relationships.
But at the same time, I understand that when you're desperate to get your ex back, you want to use any tool at hand.
Food for thought, I guess.
I never would have expected that, and it makes me wonder whether it would still be true if the title referred to getting an ex boyfriend back.
I mean, is it a "guy" thing? Do guys want to psych their girlfriends out, more than women do?
I guess I could find out by publishing an article called "How can I use reverse psychology to get my boyfriend back?" -- but it wouldn't add much value to the site. The information in the article that's already there applies to boyfriends just as much as it applies to girlfriends.
And the searches that drive readers to the article aren't always about getting back an ex.
Sometimes it's "My girlfriend uses reverse psychology on me and I don't want her to."
Sometimes it's about using reverse psychology on women, in general. Like, how to use reverse psychology to get a girl, or on a wife.
It bothers me some, that there are so many queries amounting to "how can I trick her into doing what I want." I wish people understood that trickery doesn't build healthy relationships.
But at the same time, I understand that when you're desperate to get your ex back, you want to use any tool at hand.
Food for thought, I guess.
Series: Communicating with your ex -- Part 1
I've been thinking lately about how people communicate with their exes.
For the most part, people don't. Exceptions are when they work together, have classes together, go to church together, etc.
Another exception is when one of the partners wants to get back together. Usually, if someone wants to get an ex back, there will be communication. In fact, there may be all too much communication.
The last exception arises when a couple has children. Here is an article I found, about communicating in that situation. -- Kit.
By Mary Wollard
You probably all have someone in your family who has to have the last word in any discussion or argument. Maybe your whole family is like this, making family get-togethers challenging at best. In the case of email, this can lead to back-and-forth messages that belabor a subject way longer than necessary, with each new message escalating the conflict higher and higher.
If you are someone who needs to have the last word and your communications with your ex are difficult, be aware that this is only adding to the conflict. It will take great restraint on your part to break the pattern. After all, it took a long time to cultivate the need to have the last word and it will take a long time to feel comfortable not having the last word. The only way to break the cycle is to just resist the urge to say one more thing.
Start with a conversation that you feel neutral about, and just try not responding to the last thing the other person said. As you become more comfortable with this in relatively unimportant conversations, then you can move on to practicing in areas that are more important. Work slowly, but work at it constantly. It will be hard work because this is a very hard habit to break, but the rewards will be great.
If it is the other parent who needs the last word, know that it is not a sign of weakness on your part to let him or her have it. Know that this communication pattern in the other person started way before you ever came into the picture and likely affects every relationship they have. But you can still take responsibility for your part in these never-ending discussions.
Even if the other person hasn't yet done the work necessary to end this communication merry-go-round, you can. If you follow the steps above, the cycle will stop. Start with a subject that is not highly charged, and just let the conversation go when you have said what you have to say.
The important thing is to make the decision to break this communication cycle. If you do, I guarantee you will feel more powerful in the relationship, not less powerful.
© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC
Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. In addition to helping families through mediation and arbitration, Ms. Wollard provides parenting coordination and decision-making services to families when on-going conflict prevents them from fully implementing their parenting plan after divorce. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your family's transition.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Wollard
http://EzineArticles.com/?Communicating-With-Your-Ex---Letting-Go-of-the-Last-Word&id=2193378
Series continues with Part 2 and Part 3.
For the most part, people don't. Exceptions are when they work together, have classes together, go to church together, etc.
Another exception is when one of the partners wants to get back together. Usually, if someone wants to get an ex back, there will be communication. In fact, there may be all too much communication.
The last exception arises when a couple has children. Here is an article I found, about communicating in that situation. -- Kit.
Communicating With Your Ex - Letting Go of the Last Word
By Mary Wollard
You probably all have someone in your family who has to have the last word in any discussion or argument. Maybe your whole family is like this, making family get-togethers challenging at best. In the case of email, this can lead to back-and-forth messages that belabor a subject way longer than necessary, with each new message escalating the conflict higher and higher.
If you are someone who needs to have the last word and your communications with your ex are difficult, be aware that this is only adding to the conflict. It will take great restraint on your part to break the pattern. After all, it took a long time to cultivate the need to have the last word and it will take a long time to feel comfortable not having the last word. The only way to break the cycle is to just resist the urge to say one more thing.
Start with a conversation that you feel neutral about, and just try not responding to the last thing the other person said. As you become more comfortable with this in relatively unimportant conversations, then you can move on to practicing in areas that are more important. Work slowly, but work at it constantly. It will be hard work because this is a very hard habit to break, but the rewards will be great.
If it is the other parent who needs the last word, know that it is not a sign of weakness on your part to let him or her have it. Know that this communication pattern in the other person started way before you ever came into the picture and likely affects every relationship they have. But you can still take responsibility for your part in these never-ending discussions.
Even if the other person hasn't yet done the work necessary to end this communication merry-go-round, you can. If you follow the steps above, the cycle will stop. Start with a subject that is not highly charged, and just let the conversation go when you have said what you have to say.
The important thing is to make the decision to break this communication cycle. If you do, I guarantee you will feel more powerful in the relationship, not less powerful.
© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC
Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. In addition to helping families through mediation and arbitration, Ms. Wollard provides parenting coordination and decision-making services to families when on-going conflict prevents them from fully implementing their parenting plan after divorce. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your family's transition.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Wollard
http://EzineArticles.com/?Communicating-With-Your-Ex---Letting-Go-of-the-Last-Word&id=2193378
Series continues with Part 2 and Part 3.
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