Series: Communicating with your ex -- Part 3

The third part in this 3-part series pertains to email communication.

Again, although it addresses divorced parents, the wisdom within applies to anyone in danger of sending an overly-emotional email to an ex.

If you're wanting to get your ex back, you need to be careful how you communicate by email. You want to send an agreeable message, not a confrontational one. -- Kit.

Three Email Communication Mistakes That Will Inflame Conflict Between Divorced Couples

By Mary Wollard

More and more, communication between divorced parents occurs by email. This can be an effective way to reduce conflict between parents. If you commit one or more of these three common email mistakes, however, you might create or heighten conflict. What are these common email communication mistakes, and how you can fix them to reduce conflict with the other parent?

Mistake #1 - USING TOO MANY CAPS

One of the first guidelines of email etiquette is not to type words in all capital letters, because that is akin to shouting. When I first heard that, I didn't really believe it. That was until email became part of my all-day, every-day life, and then I received a message that was written mostly in caps.

It just set me on edge, like fingernails on a blackboard (do people even remember that sound anymore?). After that I started paying closer attention to emails, not just to me, but between my clients.

I found that the use of caps in emails between high-conflict parents triggers anger reactions. The caps don't add anything of substance to the communication and cause the communications to quickly deteriorate. Once the anger kicks in, effective communication really becomes impossible.

If you find yourself moved to use caps in your email, ask yourself what you are trying to achieve. Then, find some other way to communicate that.

Mistake #2 - Sarcasm and humor

When we talk to someone, our words are only a part of the communication. We use hand gestures; raise an eyebrow; make our voice higher or lower, louder or softer; laugh; smile; or frown. All of these things convey our true meaning to the person we're talking to.

When you write an email, all of these nuances are gone and you are left only with the raw words of your message. In your own mind, you are often adding all of those hand gestures, facial expressions and intonations. The problem is that the person reading your email can't see into your mind. Sarcasm and humor are both highly dependent on extraneous visual and auditory cues. Since these aren't available in writing, your attempts at sarcasm and humor in email will likely fail or be misconstrued.

Those cute little emoticons (the smiling, laughing, winking, or sad faces) people add to their email weren't just created by people with way too much time on their hands. They are an effort to show the spirit of the words in the email so the receiver can better understand what's being said. Without something like that, the receiver has no way of knowing your intentions.

If your relationship with the other parent is stressed and full of conflict, your best practice is to leave attempts at sarcasm and humor out of your email.

Mistake #3 - Sending too soon

During a heated exchange, you may type something you would never want someone else to see. When you communicate by email, you are putting your angry thoughts into writing and you make it possible for anyone - including your children - to witness that anger long after you've cooled down.

A good rule of thumb is to pause before you send any message that you feel emotionally charged about. Stand up and walk away from the computer for a few minutes or even a few hours. When you come back, make sure that the message you're sending is something you are ok with being in print.

I can't stress enough the powerful effect communication has on the level of conflict in your relationship with the other parent. Creating healthy new patterns of communication can break the destructive cycle of conflict and allow both parents to focus on building good relationships with their children.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC


Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. In addition to helping families through mediation and arbitration, Ms. Wollard provides parenting coordination and decision-making services to families when on-going conflict prevents them from fully implementing their parenting plan after divorce. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your family's transition.

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